What is the ‘Am I a Lesbian?’ Master Doc? If you’re not familiar with the document, it once was a Google document that was available for the public to view, mainly on Tumblr or Twitter (X). According to the supposed author Anjeli Luz, she wrote it for her Tumblr blog in 2018 because of her questioning her own sexuality/lesbianism (Wiki). I first encountered the document while scrolling on Twitter because one of my mutuals had reposted it, saying something along the lines of how the document made it all click for her (AKA she realized she was a lesbian). Since then, my mutual has re-come out as a bisexual, which I feel is sort of relevant to discussing how helpful/beneficial this document is. The document is about 30 full pages in length and has a table of contents to make the pages more navigable. Sections and questions explored range from ‘What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?’ to ‘But I think I’ve Liked men before?’. Having read the whole thing multiple times, both in the context of confirming what I thought was bisexuality to rereading in order to gain a better grasp of my lesbianism, I feel as though the document offers some valuable insights and mostly questionable male-centeredness.
For starters, it defines and conceptualizes ideas presented by Adrienne Rich in a more digestible way. The ways compulsory heterosexuality (comp het) are defined in this document speak a lot to modern-day lesbians, but more so to the large impact the patriarchy and heteronormativity have on non-men in general. One of the points the document lists as a possibility one may be lesbian is, “I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I
get incredibly uncomfortable”. I do not believe this is because the person is lesbian as many women have felt and will continue to feel this way, not due to their sexuality, but due to male domination. Largely, the discussions surrounding attraction to men seem to stray away from actual comp het and point towards the ways men are socialized that make women dislike them in general. The document offers the possibility that if you are attracted to men and wish you weren’t, you may be a lesbian. I cannot even count on two hands how many times straight women or women who like men have told me this same sentiment. It still does not negate their attraction to men. We live in a misogynistic society, so it’s natural that many women end up scared of men/ avoidant, but that doesn’t mean they are lesbians. Lesbian sexuality is not about their non-attraction to men. It is about being attracted to women/non-men.
I think if you’re a lesbian, you can read the document and admit you relate to some parts in some areas, but in others feel that you don’t relate. But the majority of parts about thinking men were attractive had odd explanations for why that might make you a lesbian–almost forceful in a way. There is too much questioning of attraction to men and not enough about non-attraction to men. Many lesbians online feel the same way, while some are trying to rework the document to be more lesbian affirming rather than lesbian proving. While the latter group seems to have good intentions, many lesbians believe the document (either way) will continue to attract people that dislike their real attraction to men, people who wish to reject that. That in itself seems like a larger problem, and one I don’t think lesbians should be responsible for taking on.
Sources vary on whether Anjeli was the sole contributor or not but what we do know is that she is now bisexual and was formerly a young teen questioning her identity. Knowing this and rereading the doc, it seems obvious that this is written from the perspective of someone who has just been introduced to lesbian scholarship. The author/creators seem to be writing a ‘how to prove you’re a lesbian’ document more than an ‘am I a lesbian?’ document. What would a revision of this look like or a better guide for lesbians look like? I’m unsure. But I do think with more lesbian representation comes more concrete examples of affirmation for those questioning their sexuality.
One reply on “The ‘Am I a Lesbian?’ Master Doc as a Cultural Document For Our Generation”
Your critique of this document reminded me a bit of Cohen’s discussion of how people tend to equate heteronormativity in heterosexuality. It seems like in this case, readers of the document fall into a similar trap of equating their dislike of the detrimental and often demeaning aspects of heteronormative relationships and interactions with men–or at least the possibility of those demeaning aspects–with a dislike of heterosexuality that then translates to a questioning of heterosexuality. Would a disentangling of ideas about queerness and heteronormativity and those about heterosexuality and sexuality in general be helpful in moving towards resources that help people question and explore sexuality without conflating feelings about heteronormativity or sexism?